14. Why, There They Are Both

                                                  

                                                WHY, THERE THEY ARE BOTH

      The storm blew the rest of the day and evening. Dan made his way back to his cabin and slept off the lunch, the booze, the performance and the fact that he had almost died. When he woke, the storm was still raging. He made his way to the bar before dinner. It was closed. There was a notice on the dining room doors announcing only limited room service was available. As he struggled back to his cabin, the odor of vomit permeated the hallways. The only person he ran into was a sorry steward trying to mop up the mess that seemed to be deposited every few feet. The stench was beginning to get to him. He could smell it in his room. For the first time in his life, he began to feel seasick. He opened a bottle of scotch. He fell asleep and into a pit of nightmares. His eyes snapped open. He reached for Lucia and realized he was alone. Sunlight filled the room. He took a deep breath and looked out the porthole. He saw the base of the caldera of Santorini. They had arrived. He breathed easier. He dressed thinking of breakfast on the Lido. There was a knock at the door. He opened it to a large Greek in uniform. “You come to purser’s office!”  

     “What for?”, he asked knowing full well.

      “For questions!”

       Dan followed him down corridors and up steps. He opened the door to the purser’s office and motioned Dan in. Ten chairs were lined up along the walls. Five of them were already there. Lucia was sitting next to Gladys and Nadine. She looked at Dan forlornly then looked away. Gladys glared. Nadine’s eyes were wide with fear. Bob was a deflated heap. He smiled sheepishly at Dan. Sally was glacial. She sat bolt upright. Her eyes flew around the room when Dan entered. They settled on him for a fraction of a second before darting away. He sat by himself, looked at his feet and smiled. The Greek spun on his heels and left the room.
     Nadine’s hand shot to her mouth. “It was horrible! The earth opened and swallowed them whole!”
     Gladys shuffled her shoulders, folded her hands in her lap and smiled condescendingly. “There was an earthquake. They were killed.”
     “We could have been killed ourselves!”, gasped Nadine.
     Dan looked at the two of them. “Rehearsing our lines are we?”
     The door to the room opened and John walked in. He was dressed conservatively. He
looked depressed. He smiled when he saw Dan then he looked confused. “Why aren’t you sitting next to Lucia? Lucia, darling, what’s going on?”  He sat next to Dan giving him a quizzical stare.
     Sally suddenly came out of her trance. “We are innocent American citizens who have gone through a traumatic experience!”
     “A traumatic experience?", squawked Nadine. “There were dozens of them! There was an earthquake! We almost went off the road on the way back to the ship! We were assaulted by a filthy Greek mob! They said we were insane! There were riots! There was tear gas!”
     Dan rolled his eyes “For God’s sake, Nadine. Calm down.”
     “Don’t you yell at Nadine, you - bartender!”, snapped Gladys. “She’s an old woman who has gone through an experience her feeble mind is not capable of handling.”
     “Feeble mind?”, roared Nadine. “How dare you say that, you bitter old fool! If anyone has a -”
     The door to the room opened again. Cesaria walked in. She had a knowing smile on her face. She looked around the room and winked when she saw Dan. “So, we’re being brought before the docket, are we? FBI, I assume.”
     “That woman is a communist!”, brayed Nadine. “She assaulted me!”
     Sally turned and stared angrily at Cesaria. “That woman told me President Obama is nothing more than a figurehead!”
     Bob took his wife’s hand. “Oh, honey. Calm down. We’re here to be questioned. It will soon be over with.”
     Sally jumped away from her husband as if she’d been bitten. “Don’t you touch me! Don’t you touch me!”
     Cesaria sat next to John. “It looks like the cannibals are working their way into a feeding frenzy. So much for one big happy family.”
     He leaned over and murmured in her ear. “Sally will be the first one to snap. It won’t be long before the others follow.”
     Sally turned her back to her husband. Nadine started fanning the air with her hands. Gladys crossed her arms and harrumphed. John pursed his lips and rolled his eyes. Lucia looked at Dan then looked away. Cesaria smiled sadly. Dan cleared his throat. “Enough of this ridiculous hysteria. First things first. We are about to be questioned. Yesterday afternoon we agreed to get our stories straight. The senator was giving a speech. His wife was by his side and the agents were behind them. They were standing in front of two large stone doorframes. When the earthquake struck, the floor collapsed underneath them and the doorframes fell on top of them. There was nothing we could do. The guide ran up the hill and told us he would call the authorities. He told us to get back in the bus so we could return to the ship before it sailed. The bus driver drove us into town. The bus was stopped by a mob. A riot erupted between the police and the mob around the bus. We vacated the bus and made our way through the tear gas and the riots to the ship. That’s it. That’s what happened. Agreed?”
     “That’s exactly what happened.”, said Bob. “That’s all we have to tell them.”
     “Whose idea was it to tell the tour guide that our ship was the Argonaut Adventure?”, smiled Lucia.   
     Everyone jumped. The bewildered look on Nadine’s face was replaced with a look of fear. “Buck! It was Buck’s idea! Where is Buck? Buck, where are you?”
     Gladys’ expression was virulent. “That fat terrorist told the guide we were on the Argonaut Adventure and he threatened us if we said otherwise!”
     Sally’s nose was in the air. “That man hates President Obama!”
     Nadine pointed a shaky finger at Cesaria. “That communist speaks Greek and so did Buck!”
    “They both talked to the bus driver in Greek!”, hissed Gladys. “They talked to the Greek hooligans in Greek!”
     “Oh, for God’s sake, Gladys!”, said Dan “Everyone talked to the Greeks in Greek. Courtney called them ass holes, Justin said their mother was a whore, John told them to suck his dick, Sally told them to fuck off, Bob told them we were insane, Lucia asked them if they liked her tits and you told them to bend over and lick!”
     John looked around the room. “Where is Buck, anyway? Probably putting this crowd behind him.”
     “The Big Man!”, wailed Nadine. “Buck saved my life and I have betrayed him!”
     Gladys smirked. “Hasn’t anyone noticed that there are only ten chairs in the room? We’re missing three but there are only two empty chairs, two left for those college kids. Buck’s not coming and the authorities don’t even know he exists.”
     “What are you talking about?”, demanded Sally. “He was on the tour with us.”
     “Was he?”, asked Gladys. “He never really planned to go on the tour. He planned to jump on a ship to Gaza. He arrived late. The guide looked for his name on the list and couldn’t find it. Buck slipped him something, probably money. I saw it with my own eyes.”
      “Well, they’ll probably figure it out sooner than later.”, sighed Dan. “They’re going to want to know who he is, what he looks like -” 
     Nadine placed her hands on her heart. “He’s tall. He's handsome. He’s strong. He’s - “
     “He’s fat.”, said Gladys.
     “He has a deep voice with an East Texas accent.”, said John. “He has beautiful hair.”
     “He’s bald!”, said Bob
     Cesaria gave Dan a hint of a smile. “He’s a handsome man, middle aged.”
     Sally whirled around and stared at Cesaria. “Are you in league with that hick? He’s sixty if he’s a day!”
     Lucia had a cold look on her face. “He’s in his early sixties. He’s about two hundred and fifty pounds, six foot one or two, brown eyes, balding with white hair.” She looked at Dan and offered a sweet smile. “He likes Bach.”
     “He’s long gone.”, smiled Cesaria.
     Gladys frowned. “What did you say?”
     Cesaria cleared her throat. “I said it appears he’s long gone.”
     “And why would he be long gone?”, Gladys demanded.

     "Give me a good reason why not!", shot John.
     Nadine had removed a hanky from her purse. She dabbed her eyes with it. “He’s a war hero. A man of the world grieving for his beautiful Greek wife.”
     John had a distant look in his eyes. “He’s a wonderful performer, a magnificent storyteller, an East Texas Will Rogers.”  
     Gladys rolled her eyes. “He’s an actor.”
     “He’s a hick!”, huffed Sally. “A hick who is afraid of being questioned because he hates the people of Israel!”
     “It’s that Hezbollah!”, hissed Gladys. “He’s on his way there now!”
     “He’s a good man!”, moaned Nadine. “He got us back to the ship! He didn’t want us to end up in some stinking Greek jail!”
     Cesaria was exasperated. “For heaven's sake! It doesn’t matter who Buck is. It doesn’t matter who any of us are. It was one hell of a day we all went through. We were terrified by the earthquake. We thought for sure we would miss the ship and end up stuck on Crete in the middle of a riot torn city. There is nothing wrong or suspicious about Buck or any of us. We’re just a bunch of tourists. Now I suggest we stop all this arguing, answer any questions we are asked and get through this sensibly. We have a date with each other in a cafe this afternoon.”
      “Oh, everything is going to be just fine, isn’t it?”, snarled Gladys. “Never mind we are about to be raked over the coals by the FBI for providing aid and comfort to the enemy.” She looked at the two empty seats. “That fat man will never show up. And where are the other two? Where are those sniveling little college kids?”
     Nadine’s eyes opened wide. She threw a hand over her mouth. “Maybe they left with Buck!”
     Cesaria smiled warmly. “He was very fond of them both. I said they are our country’s future and what did he say? Ain’t it a glorious thing to see.”
     “Ranting and raving their way into the future.”, Lucia snorted. “What the hell is Jesus going to do about it? I pray and I pray and I still feel like shit!”
     John let out a laugh. “Courtney darling. You’re making a shpectacle of yourself!”
     Gladys placed a hand on her throat and feigned a swoon. “There are no jobs in London! No lodging! They didn’t even want to see my husband and me!”
     Nadine placed a hand on Gladys’ shoulder and cast her eyes upward. “It’s fate that I ran into you! I’m desperate! You’re our last hope!”
     The door opened and Justin and Courtney walked in. The room went silent. They looked exhausted. Dark circles hung under their eyes. They took the last two seats. For a moment there was peace. Then Dan heard the ring of blade against steel.
     Sally stood up. “That little slut made a pass at my husband and her fag husband put his hands on me.”
     Courtney grabbed Justin’s arm. There was panic in her eyes. Bob put his head in his hands. The rest of them looked at Sally in amazement. “What the hell are you talking about?”, Dan demanded.
     “Not so helpless and innocent after all, eh?”, snipped Gladys. “Somehow I’m not surprised.”
     Cesaria stared at Sally. “Slut? Fag? What in heaven’s name has gotten into you, woman?”

     John's eyes were wide. "So much for the words are weapons woman."
     “She went after my husband in our suite!”, spat Sally. “My husband had to fight her off!”
    Courtney buried her face in Justin’s chest. Justin was quietly hyperventilating. “My wife was attacked.”
     “I didn’t - I didn’t lay a finger on her!”, stuttered Bob.  
     Gladys rose to her feet and frowned at Justin and Courtney. “Poor little victims. I’m sick of listening to the poor little victims, the poor little college educated victims whining about the cold, cruel world while on a cruise of the Greek Isles.”
     Cesaria pulled herself to her feet with the help of her cane. “How dare you badger these poor children. You wouldn’t dare talk like this if Buck were here!”
     Lucia’s voice was cold. “But he isn’t, is he?” She turned to Justin and Courtney. “When I first met the two of you, you told me it was my fault that you were in such a sorry state, then it was the banks, then the colleges. What’s next? The FBI?”
     Nadine stood up behind Gladys and put her hands on her heart. “Oh, Gladys! Our vacation is ruined!”
     A sinister smile spread across Gladys’ face. “I don’t know what Buck was thinking. These two aren’t exactly angels, you know. You keep harassing us about getting you jobs in London. What are we, some sort of walking employment agency?”
     “I can’t imagine why Buck was so interested in you two.”, Nadine complained. “All you do is moan and groan. Maybe you chased him away. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just got tired of hearing you whine. I know I sure did.”
     Lucia rolled her eyes. “Now, now. We mustn’t pick on the poor children. They’re scared.”
     “Scared of coming out of the closet.”, said John. “I mean, come on. It’s 2011.”
     Sally whirled around. “Scared of paying the bills! Scared of going home and facing the music! Everyone is in debt! You can’t live these days without going into debt! All they do is go on and on about being in debt! Well guess what? Everyone’s in debt! Get used to it! Those damn banks tricked us too! We didn’t go to them! They came to us! ‘Have you ever heard of a reverse mortgage? Do you know you have your very own bank in your home? Why not buy your vacation dream house? Why not two? No money down. No interest for the first year. You could travel.’ I’ve always wanted to take a cruise of the Greek Isles.”
     The assault was on full bore as one jaw snapped after the next. “There, do you feel better now?”, snarled Lucia, giving Justin and Courtney a dismissive glance. “You’re not the only miserable victims.”
     “He wouldn’t be so miserable if he’d just come out.”, snipped John.
     Gladys bristled. “I doubt if anything will cheer up these two prima donnas.”
     Nadine pressed her lips and clutched her hands. “Why did you have to drive Buck away?”
     Sally’s eyes began to spin. “And why do you think we’ve seen the last of Buck?” She pointed a finger at Justin. “You couldn’t stop drooling over Buck! It was so obvious! Everyone saw it! You were all over him!” Her finger jerked to Courtney. “And you’re nothing but a sex fueled slut! You came after my husband and he is just too good a man to admit it!”
     Gladys growled. “Whoever you two are and whatever your motives are, I suggest for your sake you give everyone a wide berth from now on.”
     Sally’s voice dropped as she moved in for the kill. “You’re grifters. Nothing but a pair of grifters. What are you doing on this cruise, anyway? What’s your plan besides seducing a married man and assaulting his wife? You got yourself a free education and you jump on a cruise and prey on your fellow citizens. But I’m not worried because everything has a way of working itself out. You’re so God damned pathetic. You’ll never get a job. You can’t even play a decent grifter. Going after a retired couple about to go bankrupt? Give me a break. You’ll end up on the street selling yourselves and whatever else you can sell for a mouth full of food for a couple of years before you come to your senses and do us all a favor by checking out early.”
     Justin looked long and hard at Sally. He put his arm around his wife and slowly turned to the rest of them. He studied them one by one. The angry expression on his face turned to confusion, then fear. Courtney was terrified.
     Dan felt sick. He looked at Lucia. “Why, there they are both, baked in that pie; whereof their mother daintily hath fed, eating the flesh that she herself hath bred.”