12. Parlor Games

                                                            PARLOR GAMES

   

     Dan woke in pitch black. He was sitting up leaning against a wall. He felt Lucia’s head on his lap. She stirred. Ah, filthy love. He heard her catch her breath. He reached down and put his hand over her mouth. He felt her hand on his. He heard her giggle. He heard himself say I love you. He reached for the door and cracked it open. The hallway was empty. Now was their chance. They went for it. They made their way down the corridor like a couple of clowns, pulling at their clothes, patting their hair and glancing around guiltily.
     Dan looked at his watch. It was eleven thirty. Lucia straightened his collar, brushed her fingers through his hair, ordered him to the dining room to hold a table and hurried off to her suite. He opened a door onto the deck. He was on the bow. He was alone. Storm clouds were building on the horizon. The ship was churning into a heavy mist. A gust of wind blew through him and he was suddenly free. He stared into the oncoming storm and felt his fluttering life lift from his shoulders and dance away in the wind. There is nothing like sailing into your future at the bow of a ship headed into a gale, nothing. The ship’s horn blared.
     The dining room was practically empty when Dan walked in. There wasn’t a veteran of the Greek revolution in sight. He asked the waiter for a table for eleven and apologized for not making arrangements with the dining room captain. He sat at the table, realized he was missing his baton and asked the waiter for a double scotch on the rocks. He ordered wine for the table, a double I. W. Harper’s for Buck, Wild Turkey and water for Gladys, Beefeater and tonic for Lucia and John, Stoli stingers for Sally and Nadine, Ketel one on the rocks for Bob, a Maker’s Mark Manhattan up for Cesaria, twist, no bitters, and Barbayannis for Courtney and Justin. He sat at the table alone, clutching his drink in his hands and waiting for the curtain to rise.
     He didn’t wait long. A cacophony of chatter and laughter burst into the dining room like a round of applause. Gladys and Nadine led the charge. They had completely refitted themselves. Sun hats had turned into jaunty polo caps, sun dresses into mid-day pant suits. Pearls had grown larger, diamonds had brightened. Eyeliner had darkened, lipstick crisped. Both of them offered Dan a royal wave. They drifted in on their self-inflated barge nodding their heads to imaginary sycophants and smiling grandly at audiences long gone. Lucia’s raging red hair flowed over a low-cut blouse tucked into skintight shorts. John was at her side. A screaming Hawaiian shirt open to his navel boiled out of an even tighter pair of shorts. Sally wore a shapeless dress stained with such a frightening array of polka dots and stripes, she looked like an illustration out of a text book of tropical diseases. The same terrifying smile was pasted on her face as she gesticulated spasmodically at her husband decked out in brown nylon shorts and a mangled American flag tee shirt. His eyes were glazed, his smile wide as he babbled at Courtney through bleached teeth. Courtney was wearing a strapless red dress that complimented Cesaria’s saffron sari. Cesaria seemed to have recovered as she engaged in an intense parlay with Courtney. The carefree look on Justin’s face was as surprising as his own wide open Hawaiian shirt. He shadowed Buck lumbering along dressed down in Greek linen. Dan raised his drink to his lips and took a swig as the tide of American lunacy swept toward him.
    Nadine hovered over him like a dark Djinn. “Daniel, my dear. Here we are at the head of the pack. I call them my entourage. Gladys calls them hangers on. All I can say is my glass is half full.”
    Lucia swept around Gladys and Nadine and sat next to Dan. “Daniel, isn’t it amazing we all showed up at the same time? I saw Buck and Cesaria walking along the deck and as we approached the dining room, everyone fell into place like some sort of procession!”
     “It reminded me of The Music Man!”, giggled Sally. “You know, when everyone joins the parade? My high school put on The Music Man and I was in it!”
     John sat next to Lucia and patted his hands on the table. “Well, here we all are together and I didn’t have anything to do with it. I fell asleep in my cabin and woke up just in time for lunch. On the way, I ran into Justin and Courtney dressed like a couple of missionaries. There was no way I was going to have lunch with a fashion catastrophe so we had a little tete a tete and voila!”
     Cesaria was standing behind Dan. Before taking a seat, she put her hands on his shoulders and leaned down to his ear. “Dan, I am recovered as much as I’ll ever be and I have been thinking about you. You have intrigued me since we first met. We will get to know each other more.”
     Buck dropped down on the other side of him and looked around. “This little play time will be over sooner than later. It’ll be a real trip if the storm hits in the middle of lunch.”
     Justin planted himself next to Buck. “Storm? Sally’s doctor said there were no storms this time of year in Greece.”
     Courtney sat next to her husband. “What do you think?”, she asked the table. “We were walking along and John had a fit. I had to put on my best dress and Justin had to try on one of John’s shirts. He insisted we dress properly for what he called ‘The Performance’.”
     Bob crashed down next to Courtney. “I think that was an awesome idea!”
     Sally shuffled her petri dish and lowered herself down next to her husband. “I think John has the right idea! The veteran’s lunch is what this is! The veteran’s lunch! The veteran’s lunch!”
     Gladys and Nadine billowed into the last seats at the table. Gladys surveyed the crowd and nodded. “I feel a storm coming on. That calls for cocktails.”
     Sally’s eyes remained wild, even with a frown. “What is this about bad weather from everyone? My doctor said the weather is beautiful this time of year in the Mediterranean.”
     “Wow, a medical Doctor and a meteorologist. Sounds like something out of a soap opera.”, laughed John. “What’s his name, Dr. Lance Storm?”
     Sally gave John an irritated glance then turned to the table. “I was just thinking about our adventure yesterday and how wonderful it was how we all came together to chase those trouble makers off the bus.”
     “And how we all got together to charge through the riots!”, exclaimed Courtney. “All we did was argue all day with each other -”
     Bob offered Courtney a toothy grin. “But when it got down to brass tacks, we all pulled together and got back safe to the ship.”
     “I think we had a lovely morning this morning getting to know each other more.”, said
Courtney. “Except for poor Cesaria here.” She offered Cesaria a consoling smile. “I’m so sorry, Cesaria.”
     Cesaria shook her head. “There is no need, my dear. I will get back to them. Why Gladys and Nadine have suggested I fly out of Thira or at least Athens when the cruise is over.”
     “Them two are always thinkin’ about others.”, smiled Buck. “Ain’t ya, dolls?”
     “We’re way too old and over the hill to waste our time on ourselves.”, tittered Nadine. “There comes a time in life when you realize the world doesn’t revolve around you anymore.”
     Gladys smiled at Buck. “Very funny, big man but you might be surprised to find we’re not the poisonous plutocrats you make us out to be. John has apologized for his prickly humor and we have graciously admitted that we can be thin skinned at times.”
     John beamed and offered up two crossed fingers. “That’s right! The Marquesas and me are like this.”
     “Two dirty fingers?”, asked Buck.
     “Oooh!”, smirked John. “A bitchy crack out of the big man. Or should I say snarky. Straight guys are never bitchy, are they? They’re snarky.” He smiled smugly at the table. “You know it’s just amazing how everyone seemed to naturally congregate at lunch. Dan, Lucia and I had a plan to get everyone together but we didn’t even need it.”
     Cesaria touched John’s shoulder. “What was your plan, John?”
     “Well, we knew we would most likely be interrogated by someone when we reached Santorini - the local police, FBI, the Secret Service, the CIA, Interpol, hell, I don’t know. Anyway, we thought it might be a good idea to get our stories straight.”
     An uncomfortable silence descended on the table. Everyone looked around at a loss for words.
     “Well, I guess I stepped in it. “, said John. “I mean, we were the only witnesses to the death of a candidate for president of the United States. We’re gonna get grilled. There’s no question about that.”
     Gladys was carefully unfolding her napkin and spreading it on her lap. “Grilled?”, she asked nonchalantly. “We went through an earthquake. We could have been killed ourselves.”
     “Well we almost were!”, panted Nadine. “We were just a few feet from them!”
     “Oh, they’ll be waiting for us, alright. It doesn’t take anything these days to have the dogs turned on you.”, said Dan.
     “It’s not like they were assassinated.”, protested Justin.
     “I’m sure the authorities took one look at what was left of them and that was that.”, said Lucia.
     “But we left.”, whispered Sally. “We didn’t wait for them.”
     “That’s because the tour guide told us to!”, said Courtney.
     “That’s right!”, said Nadine. “It’s that filthy little cannibal’s fault!”
     “All we have to do is tell who-ever is asking the questions tomorrow that we were told to go back to the ship by our tour guide”, said Bob. “Case closed.”  
     Lucia frowned. “Except we told the tour guide that we were on the Argonaut Adventure.”
     Nadine pointed a finger at Buck. “That’s your fault!”
     “And we didn’t have to face the gauntlet waiting for us at the Argonaut Adventure.”, said Cesaria.
     “But we have to face it tomorrow!”, gasped Nadine.
     Dan rolled his eyes. “They will have had a chance to cool down.”
     Sally was wringing her hands. “Or get worked up!”
     “No one has to know we said shit.”, said Buck. “Don’t say a fuckin’ thing. They’ll just think the tour guide got it wrong. He’s the one that asked us which ship we were on in the first place. Shit, him and the driver were the only people who knew we were there. With all the shit that came down yesterday on Crete, it’ll take ‘em awhile to figure it all out, if they ever do.”
     Nadine’s eyes flew open. “Buck is right! We went through an earthquake and riots and tear gas. I can hardly remember any of it!”
     Sally was breathing easier. “What can they expect of us? We’re just tourists. They should feel sorry for us.”
     “I’m sure they will.”, Dan said reassuringly as he stole a glance at Buck

      “Of course they will.”, smiled Cesaria. “Everything is going to be just fine.”
     Gladys took a sip of her drink and smiled wickedly at Cesaria. “You’re the one who spoke to that bus driver in Greek. God knows what you really said.”
     “And I’m not in the least bit worried what anyone is going to ask me about yesterday, if anyone asks at all.”, said Cesaria. “Does that make everyone happy?”
     “It’s simple.”, said Dan. “It’s easy. The guide told us to take the bus back to the ship. We got stopped in a riot and made our way back through the riot to the ship. That’s all we have to say. Period. Are we all in then?”
     "I’m cool with that.”, said Justin.
     “Atta boy.”, Buck grunted.
     “Awesome.”, said Courtney.
     “Awesome!”, gasped Sally.
     Nadine gave Buck a lingering look. “If that’s what Buck wants, that’s what I want.”  
     Lucia put down her fork and smiled at Buck. “If that’s what Buck wants, that’s what everybody wants.”
     Dan stared at Gladys. She crossed her arms, rolled her eyes and nodded.
     “We’re good then.”, said Bob.
     John raised his glass. “One for all and all for one.”
     Cesaria pulled at her sari. “One big happy family.”
     A waiter appeared with a large tray of cocktails. Everyone seemed to let loose a sigh of relief. “I took the liberty of jump starting the lunch.”, smiled Dan. “The wine will arrive with the food.”
     “Bravo, Machiavelli!”, John announced as he raised his glass to me. “Ladies and gentlemen, here’s to the next act.”
     “A vodka stinger!”, tittered Nadine. “Ah, the good old days.” She turned to Gladys.
“Here’s to many more!”
     “Wild Turkey.”, murmured Gladys after tasting her drink. She cast a smile in Dan’s direction. “You are an evil man.”
     “Is this that licorice stuff?”, asked John as he took a sip. “Awesome.”
     “I remember this from last night.”, protested Courtney. “I’m not going to drink all day and night.”
     “Oh yes you are.”, countered Gladys. “You are on a cruise. It’s mandatory.”
     “I’ll drink to that, your highness.”, grunted Buck as he took a swallow. “Ah sweet, sweet whiskey.”
     Cesaria admired the stem full of golden orange liquor in her hand. “Snezhana has worked her magic.

     Dan raised his glass. “Here’s to Thira and Santorini.” Everyone followed suit. “Now I want a promise from all of you. I want everyone to meet tomorrow at noon at the cafe I mentioned earlier, the one that has the sudden drop to the sea. It’s called Skliri Agapi.”
    “How the hell am I supposed to remember that?”, demanded Gladys. “What’s it mean in English?”
    Cesaria gave Dan a knowing smile. “Skliri Agapi. Cafe Cruel love. I know of it.”
     Dan offered Lucia a smug smile. "A beautiful cafe in a shining city on a hill." He raised his glass again. “Come on everyone. Raise your glass if you promise.” Glasses raised all around.
    The waiter returned with several small plates full of delicacies, spread them around the table and placed a menu in each of their hands. “What’s this?”, asked Bob.
     “Mezes.”, said Lucia. “Greek hors d’oeuvres to counter the booze, especially the ouzo.” She gave Justin and Courtney a concerned look. “It’s ethyl alcohol. You have to have something in your stomach or, well -”
     “Yes.”, sighed Courtney. “I know. I remember you ordered the most delicious soup last night. I could use some soup right now. Any suggestions?”
     Lucia smiled sheepishly and looked at the menu. Her face lit up. “Fakes! Fakes is perfect for a - um, a hangover. I know I could use some. It’s simple lentil soup served with a little vinegar and Feta cheese. The tang of the vinegar and the salt of the Feta is wonderful.” She gave the waiter a dazzling smile. “Fakes, please.”
     “Oh, that does sound good.”, said Courtney. She turned to the waiter. “Fakes for me too.”
     “It has been a long time since I had Fakes.”, sighed Cesaria as she nodded to the waiter.   “Kaliope and Amaltheia had a great rivalry for who made the best -”
     “Lentils?”, squawked Sally. “As in beans? Oh no, no, no. Beans give Bob gas.”
     Bob gave his wife a withering look. “I'll have the Gigindes - Gigandes -”
     “Gigandes Plake?”, asked the waiter.
     “That’s it.”, said Bob.
     John shook his head. “Poor Bob. I’ll have the Fakes. Does anyone else suffer from gas?”
     “I’ve always liked lentil soup but for some reason that’s the last thing I want for lunch.”, snorted Gladys. She waived the menu at the waiter. “I’ll have the Kefalonian Kreatopita.”
     “What in the world is that?”, demanded Sally as her eyes darted over the menu. “Oh here it is. Meat pie. Yes, yes, I’ll have the Kefa - whatever you call it.” She tugged at Bob’s shirt. “What did you order, honey?”
     “Gigandes Plake is a wonderful vegetarian dish.”, Dan offered. “It’s got tomatoes and peppers and spices and beans, lots of beans.”
     “Ha, ha, ha!”, scoffed Sally. “Aren’t you the card. The last thing Bob would order would be -”, she caught her breath and gave Bob a startled look.
     “Oh my!”, squealed Nadine. “Ratatouille! I’ll have Ratatouille.”
     “I thought that was a French dish.”, said Justin. “Where do you see that?”
     “Briam.”, said Buck. “Greek ratatouille,” He opened the menu to Justin and pointed then looked up at the waiter. “Give me the Ameletita.”
     “What’s that?”, asked Justin as he searched the menu.
     “Lamb’s balls.” Buck grunted.
     Justin gave a jump. “Lamb’s balls? You’ve got to be - oh, here it is. Lamb’s testicles. What the hell. I’ll try anything once.” He handed the waiter his menu.
     John smiled. “Yes you will. Then again and then again.”
     Justin gave John a quizzical look then turned to Dan. “What are you gonna have?”
    Dan offered his menu up. “I’ll have the Bekri Meze, please.” The waiter nodded and turned.
     “What’s that?”, asked Justin.
     “Drunkard’s snack.”, smiled Cesaria.
     John raised his glass and looked at Dan. “Act II, scene I. Enter a drunkard. He saunters to center stage and addresses the audience.” Dan gave him a quizzical look. John raised his eyebrows and motioned with his head. Dan frowned. John returned an exasperated look, put down his drink and lifted his palms up.
     Dan smiled. “I have to calm down. I can’t have another episode like the one in the elevator today. I got on and a young woman followed with a horrible little dog. Everybody in the city has a dog these days. What the hell is the matter with them? Don’t they have something better to do with their time like go to parties or screw or dance or sing? All they do is walk the dog. How are they going to feel when they’re old and look back at their youth full of horrible little animals that do nothing but whine and howl and shit? There are plastic bags   full of dog shit everywhere lining the gutters, overflowing the garbage cans, piled in the corners of doorways. When archeologists sift through the detritus of the 21st century they will find millions and millions of little plastic bags full of dog shit and look back in horror. The dog in the elevator started barking at me. ‘Oh, fluffy. Stop barking at the nice man.’, pleaded the woman. The dog barked louder, working his way into a fury. I looked down and said ‘Now fluffy. I’ve had enough of your barking. You're going to have to stop.' But Fluffy barked louder and faster. ‘Oh, Fluffy.’, the woman wined. ‘Why won’t you listen to mommy?’ Fluffy flew into a snarling fit.  ‘What’s the matter, Fluffy? Can’t you hear? I said Stop barking!’ Fluffy jumped at me and clamped its jaws on my foot. ‘Fluffy!’, shouted the woman. No!’ I reached out and grabbed the mutt by the scruff of the neck. It twisted and jerked trying to free itself. ‘Fluffy! Give Fluffy to me!’, she gasped. I threw the rabid rat into the corner of the elevator. The woman whirled around and bent down to pick up the dog. It leaped at me again. I smacked it out of the air. It landed at its owner's feet in a heap. ‘Oh my God, Fluffy! What have you done to Fluffy, you asshole?’ She scooped up the dog and lunged at me. ‘I’ll report you to the police! I’ll sue you into bankruptcy! If my boyfriend ever sets eyes on you, he’ll beat you bloody!’ The elevator came to a stop and the gate opened. The woman looked into the dog’s eyes. ‘Come on, Fluffy. Let’s go home and figure out how to make sure this lunatic never harms another innocent little dog again.’ As she stomped out of the elevator, the dog peed all over her arms.”
     Everyone was staring at Dan. Silence reigned supreme. A few bits of conversation from other tables drifted in and out. Buck smiled.
     “That was quite a rant.”, said Cesaria. “Do you dislike dogs?”
     “I am uncomfortable with every one under thirty owning one. Some own two, three, whole families.”
     “Maybe they’re lonely.”, said Nadine.
     “Then why don’t they have children?", asked Dan.
     “Maybe they can’t afford to.”, frowned Courtney.
     Cesaria looked at Dan intensely. “Did that actually happen to you?”
     “The world is going to hell in a hand basket and people buy little dogs.”, Dan grumbled.
     Sally shook her head condescendingly. “So it’s better to party all night and get drunk than stay home with a loving pet?”
     “I’d rather battle a hangover in the morning than pick up dog shit.”, frowned Dan.
     “That’s quite obvious when you can flippantly fantasize about attacking an innocent little dog.”, said Sally more to the table than to Dan. “Or did you really hit some poor little dog?”
     Dan smiled. “I was disgusted by a snarling, inbred, brain dead, freak who exists solely for the pleasure of some other snarling, inbred, brain dead freak.”
     Lucia took Dan's hand and looked into his eyes. “I think it’s sweet that all these young people have dogs. It’s a kinder, gentler world than when we were that age.”
     “A kinder, gentler world?”, Dan asked incredulously.
     Cesaria shook her head. “All this anger, all this rage, where is it coming from, Dan?”
     John’s eyes flashed. “When my husband Charlie and I were driving through the Southwest almost twenty years ago we checked out this antique store in Albuquerque. As we wandered to the back of a store a voice boomed out. ‘Where are you guys from?’ The owner was behind a large desk. He had his hands behind his head and his feet up on the desk. When we told him were from San Diego, he laughed and said he once had a store there but gave it up to come back to his hometown only to find that Thomas Wolfe was right - you can’t go home again. He told us he and his partner had a neighbor, an old lady with a horrible little dog that barked day and night. They had tried everything with the old woman, pleas, bribes, threats but nothing worked. Finally, they called the cops and the cops gave the woman a good dressing down. The next day they noticed the women leaning on the fence between their two properties smoking a cigarette and staring at them. She said ‘I know who called the cops on fluffy. It was you fags that called the cops on Fluffy.' "
    There was another long pause. A swell lifted the ship up and gently set her down. She steamed on.  Lucia smiled and raised her glass. “How many remember their first time in Paris? OK, dumb question. I was eighteen with an over loaded backpack and an over stimulated girlfriend. She had been babbling about her first day in Paris since we boarded the plane to Europe. It was late at night when the train from London pulled into Paris. We managed to find a cheap room in a five story walk up, fall into our beds and pass out. The next morning, my traveling companion was still exhausted and refused to get out of bed so it would be just me and Paris. I noticed French doors in the room I hadn’t seen the night before. I opened them and there, right across the street towering over me glowing with the dawn was the dome of the Pantheon. I had arrived. My first promenade down Le Boule Miche was heaven. I stared up at the plane trees above me hardly believing I was actually there. The next day, my friend had recovered and we went straight to Versailles.” Lucia paused and looked at Dan. “When Daniel and I first met, he mentioned Marie Antoinette’s Petit Hameau, the little village she had built so she and her ladies in waiting could play peasants. When I first saw it, I was completely overwhelmed with deja vu.”, she tossed a sweet smile in Dan’s direction. “I have never before or since experienced anything like it. I knew every cottage, every pathway. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I finally walked some distance away and just stared at Mary Antoinette’s little fantasy framed by a brilliant blue sky dotted with white fluffy clouds.”
     “What a cool story.”, said Courtney. “We’re going to Paris someday.”
     “Fluffy! I used to be called Fluffy in high school! Jesus Christ! I haven’t thought of that in years!” Everyone turned to Bob. He sat wide eyed clutching his drink.
     “Oh, honey.”, tutted Sally. “I don't think -”
     “I was fat and I had curly hair!”, blurted Bob. “Fluffy Bartlet!” He looked around and smiled nervously. “Well, I’ll be damned. Back to the future or something.”
     Lucia leaned forward and patted Bob’s hand. “Everyone was tortured in high school.”
     “I don’t think you were.”, he shot. He tried to collect himself and smiled. “I remember one of the worst bullies. He would follow me down the hall. ‘Fluffy Bartlet, fatty Bartlet, fag Bartlet.’ I would just ignore him. ‘Here comes Fluffy the fag!’ It went on for months.”
     John rolled his eyes. “You poor dear. It must have been horrible for you.”
     “Then one afternoon I was walking to my locker and he was walking down the hall toward me. ‘Hey look who’s mincing down the hall. It’s that fag, Fluffy Bartlet!’ The bully swaggered up to me with a shit eating grin on his face. And then it happened. I snapped. I walked right up to him, slammed his head against a locker and said, ‘If you even so much as look at me again, I’ll beat the shit out of you!’ He was paralyzed with shock. His eyes were as big as pancakes. No one ever called me Fluffy again.”
     Nadine turned her vodka stinger in her hand. “Isn’t that a lovely story. Has anyone ever had a Fluffy Duck? I used to drink oodles of them at lunch. It’s orange juice and orange liquor and rum and Advocatt, that’s that custardy liquor, and cream topped with an orange slice and a maraschino cherry."
     “What the hell is going on here?”, snapped Gladys. “Fluffy this and fluffy that. I’m not the least bit interested in parlor games. Don’t you think we could spend our luncheon conversation on something more adult?”
     Buck leaned over to Lucia and leered. “How ‘bout you and me talk about somethin’ adult?”
     Lucia smiled demurely. “Thank you, Buck but I’m afraid my dance card is full.”
     Buck looked her up and down then looked at Dan. “I ain't interested in dancin', Doll. Tell me about them private prisons. Tell me some facts, Doll. Tell me some figures. Somethin’ tells me you got a head full of ‘em.”
    Lucia offered a conspiratorial smile. “Two firms dominate the industry. Correction Corporation of America has sixty-six facilities, 91,000 beds and had 1.7 billion in revenue in 2011. Executive compensation that same year was 3.7 million. In the last ten years the company spent 17.4 million in lobbying and 1.9 million in political contributions. The Geo Group Inc has sixty-five facilities, 65,700 beds and had 1.6 billion in revenue in 2011. In 2011, their CEO got 5.7 million in compensation. In ten years, the company spent 2.5 million on lobbying and 2.9 million in political contributions. The number of prisoners between 2002 and 2009 increased thirty seven percent. Half of Louisiana’s inmates are in private prisons and half of all immigrant prisoners in the country.”
     Justin was taken aback. “How is that you know so much about -?”
     “She made a fortune in the private prison industry.”, Dan muttered.
     “How is that you can remember all those figures?”, asked Bob.
     “She’s fluent in Shakespeare too.”
     Lucia smiled proudly. “There were 604,201 arrests for marijuana so far this year alone, 87% for possession. That’s about one every forty-two seconds. Just think about it.”
    "Just think about what?”, asked Justin.
     “The new American work force.”, Dan muttered. “Slave labor.”
     Buck frowned darkly. “In some parts of the country if you're convicted of a misdemeanor like a traffic ticket and you can’t pay the fine, they throw you in jail then charge you a fee for every day you're there. If you're poor and can’t pay, your fines keep pilin’ up and you soon find yourself in jail for debt with no way out.”
     “Ah, fees.”, said Cesaria quietly. “They’ve taken their cue from the banks. Fees and fines and interest and penalties, before you know it, you’re enslaved behind bars in a debtor’s prison." She nodded at a scowling Justin and Courtney. "Debtor’s prison, one of the reasons we fought the Revolutionary War.”
     Gladys was staring at her drink as she set it down on the table. “I’m surprised that one of you liberals didn’t bring a pulpit to the table. I haven’t experienced so much hand wringing and heard so many dire pronouncements and holier than thou proclamations since Jimmy Carter was president. Why don’t you all grow up? People go to prison because they break the law. Banks have to make money just like any other business which, now brace yourselves because this is going to come as a shock, exists to make money. In order to make money in the Free Market, you have to compete and in order to compete you have to be efficient which government is far from. You liberals think you’re progressive but a progressive thinker realizes that privatizing government improves government.”
     “Bankers break the law and they don’t go to prison.”, Courtney hissed.
     Another swell lifted the ship higher and set her down not so gently. Sally had a confused look on her face. “Please, everyone. We’re on vacation. Oh look! Here’s our food!” A warm smile spread across her face as she watched with admiration and curiosity as each plate was placed on the table. She oohed and aahed when her meat pie appeared in front of her and choked at the plate of beans and vegetables lowered in front of Bob. “Bob!”, she gasped. “Don’t be silly!” Another wave lifted the ship as Bob dug into his lunch.
    Gladys watched the waiter pour the wine. “Well, it looks like we’re in for a little weather after all. Good thing I don’t get seasick.”  
     “We are not going to have any weather and no one is going to get sea sick.”, said Sally firmly as her eyes fell on the last two plates placed in front of Buck and Justin. “What in the world is that?”
     “Lamb’s testicles.”, announced Justin as he gingerly prodded a wiggly pile with a fork.
     “Oh, I heard you two joking around earlier.”, scoffed Sally with a hint of fear in her voice. “Now, come on, what is it really?” 
     The ship listed slightly then righted herself. “We weren’t kiddin’ around, Doll. The Greeks in Cyprus grill ‘em over coals. See how they’re kinda crunchy on the outside but they have that slippery feelin’ when you cut into ‘em?”
     Justin took a deep breath and rammed a fork full into his mouth. His eyes widened in surprise. He began to chew. His face relaxed and he smiled. “Not bad. Not bad at all.”
     “Atta boy.”, grunted Buck as he poured himself another glass of wine. “Good choice of wine, Dan.”
     A gust of wind tossed spray on the window next to the table. “Oh, goodness!”, sighed Nadine. “The Ratatouille is divine.”
     Justin swallowed a mouth full of balls, put down his knife and fork and looked at Buck. “What other kind of music do you like besides Bach?”
     “All kinda music, son.”, said Buck over a mouth full of testicles.
     Justin picked up his fork. “Like ethnic music and opera and salsa and jazz?”
     “Yup.” 
     Justin smiled conspiratorially. “And rap?”
     “When they’re rappin’ about what’s pissin’ me off.”, nodded Buck.
     “Awesome. What about punk rock?”, pushed Justin. “I really got into punk rock when I was in high school.”
     “It’s pop.”, said Buck. “Angry pop. I like that.”
     “Oh my God! Oh my God! I don’t believe it!”, gasped Courtney. Everyone looked at her. “I loved punk in high school, and you’ll never believe what my favorite girl band from the UK was called! Fluffy!”
     “Get outa here.”, said John.
     “I swear!”, said Courtney. “A London girl band around ‘95, ‘97.” She pointed to John and smiled. “And they were inspired by a singer in a gay cafe in London on -”
     “Not Old Compton Street.”, frowned John.
     “On Old Compton Street!”, gasped Courtney. “Oh my God!”
     “What the hell is the matter with you, young lady?”, asked Gladys between bites of meat pie.
     “It’s just so awesome that everyone was talking about fluffy things and I remembered the band Fluffy and they were inspired by a gay café singer and John is gay, not that that matters.” Courtney turned to Justin. “My favorite song was ‘Husband’! Oh my God! It was awesome! ‘He doesn’t like the color of your hair when you put it back in your underwear. He thinks you look fat in that dress. The truth is he doesn’t want you to effervesce.’ I used to obsess over that band!”
     Nadine delicately wiped a bit of ratatouille from the corner of her mouth. “I’m with you there, dear. Men can be such jerks.”
    “Not all men are jerks are they, darlin’?”, asked Buck with a seductive grin.
     “Certainly not!”, gulped Nadine. “Some men are divine.”
     Cesaria plucked at her sari. “Love is divine. Love is what life is worth living for.”
     “Oh love, love!”, waxed Nadine. “Where would the world be without love? Why look at all the love birds here at this table: young love, new love, tried and true love, and goodness knows what else could pop up any time.” She batted her eyes at Buck. “After all, we are on a romantic cruise in the middle of paradise.”
     With a sudden jolt the ship was lifted by a wave and slammed down. The dishes and glasses jumped on the table. Dan looked a Lucia. “Your meticulous statistics on the private prison industry were unsettling, Miss Antoinette. Are you sure you had nothing to do with your ex-husband’s business?”
     John’s eyebrows arched. “Miss Antoinette? That sounds like something I’d say. Where did that come from?”
     Bob swallowed a mouthful of beans. “She knew that fake farm at Versailles by heart. Don’t you remember?”
     John frowned at Bob. “Yes, I remember. Of course I remember but I don’t think that had anything to do with -”
     “Where did you ever get that idea, Daniel?”, asked Gladys. “Lucia and her husband were a business dynamo if ever there was one.” She looked fondly at Lucia. “Too bad he had to stray, my dear. The money was just pouring in. Oh well, all good things must come to an end and you’re doing quite well for yourself at the moment.”
     Dan frowned at Lucia. “There seems to be a discrepancy.”
     Lucia looked exasperated. "I did work with my husband and we made a lot of money. I did start to think about it. I was confused. I didn’t know how confused I was until I met you, Daniel, until I told you about it at dinner.”
     Gladys’ eyebrows lifted. “Confused? Confused about what, Lucia?”
     Sally rolled her eyes. “So she worked for her husband. Honestly, Dan, what’s the big deal?”
     Buck looked out the window at the enclosing clouds then looked at Lucia. “It takes a cold heart to make money outa other people’s misery, but then again, you ain’t alone, doll. You're in good company with a whole lotta others these days. What the hell. You gotta make a buck somehow.”
     Gladys swirled the ice cubes in her glass and smiled through her teeth at Buck. “You know, big man, with all your knowledge and concern for what you think is going wrong in America and how the little guy is being screwed, I can’t for the life of me wonder what you’re doing on a cruise instead of organizing a union somewhere or marching in a protest. Lamb's testicles, indeed. What are you, an actor?” She gave Dan a condescending look. “The same goes for you, Mr. Hedge Fund. That hallucinogenic raving about attacking some stranger’s dog hardly puts you in a position to question Lucia’s professional life. And here you are cruising along with the rest of us proudly spouting your seemingly fathomless knowledge about the terrible state of affairs in our great country.” She followed through with a dismissive nod at Cesaria. “And moaning and groaning about the downtrodden dressed in a sari sitting at a fine lunch on a cruise doesn’t do much for your image either.”
     A wave hit the ship. She shuddered. John stared at Gladys amazed. “My God, you’re dangerous. You’re not a drag queen are you?”
     “How dare you!”, shot Gladys.
     “Careful, John.”, smiled Bob. “She bites.”    
     “She’s really not mean.”, Courtney protested. “Gladys and Nadine are going to find my husband and I work in London.” She gave Nadine a pleading look. “Aren’t you?”
     Nadine toyed nervously with the vegetables on her plate. “Of course we are, dear. Well, I mean we’ll make some calls when we get back home.”
     Justin's fork slipped from his fingers. “Get back home? But you can call from the ship. You can use my cell phone.”
     Gladys turned to Justin and rolled her eyes. “You don’t think we travel with an international telephone directory, do you? We will make some calls to some of our contacts in London when we return home, all in good time.”
     Courtney was wide eyed. “But we don’t have ‘good time’! We’re not going home! We’re flying from Athens to London when the cruise is over!”
     Cesaria was finishing the last spoon full of her soup. She did not look up. “Why are you so caustic, Gladys? Buck is a war veteran. Dan is having trouble with his business in the recession and I am just a little old lady with osteoporosis. I’m getting the impression that you despise yourself.”
     “A veteran?”, Dan asked incredulously. “But I thought you got out of the draft.”
     Buck looked down at his plate. “Sorry, Dan. It’s a dirty secret. The foot doctor didn’t buy the shoes.”
     Bob gave Buck a fraternal smile. “What are you sorry about, buddy. There’s no shame in serving your country.”
     “So you were a soldier after all.”, smiled John warmly. “And too self-effacing to admit it.”  
     Gladys cast a haughty look at Cesaria. “Despise myself? You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m actually very fond of myself. I think you should be worrying about some of the other people at this table. Why on earth would anyone want to hide the fact that they served their country?”
     “You’re a soldier?”, gasped Nadine. “Why didn’t you tell me? You’re an officer, aren’t you? Were you in Korea? Vietnam? Laos? Cambodia? The liberation of the Dominican Republic? The liberation of Panama? The liberation of Lebanon? Grenada? Somalia? Bosina? Kososvo? The Gulf War? Afghanistan? Iraq? It must have been horrible for you! Were you wounded? How many medals do you -”
     Buck’s eyebrows arched. “You got a head full of wars, darlin’. How’s that?”
     Nadine blushed. “My late husband, God rest his soul was a great patriot. He was an expert on America’s struggle against tyranny in the world. He was familiar in great detail with every conflict.”
     “Did he fight in any of them?”, asked Justin.
     Dan pushed his chair back from the table and looked at Lucia. “Everybody’s stories change daily including yours. Who are you?”
     Lucia picked up her napkin from her lap and placed it on the table. “What difference does it make? Who are you? How many times have we already asked that question?”
     “Why are you two fighting?”, asked Courtney. “You’re perfect for each other and now you’re fighting.”
     Bob gave Courtney a nudge and winked. “Oh, they won’t be fighting for long. You should have seen them in the dining room the other night and before that in a cafe on the first island we were on.”
     “He’s a Montague.”, smiled John. “And she’s a Capulet.”
     “A perfect metaphor!”, Dan shot. “Fighting to the death for no reason, and aren’t we all Montagues and Capulets, the people at this table, the citizens of our country snarling and spitting at each other as our country comes down around our ears?”
     Sally wagged a finger at him. “Oh, for goodness' sake, Dan. You’re going to worry yourself into a heart attack. You don’t like what the corporations and the banks are doing. You don’t like what the democrats and President Obama is doing.”
     “Now, now.”, cooed Nadine. “They’re not fighting. They’re just getting to know each other.” She turned to Lucia and Dan. “I’ll have no squabbling from the two of you. Daniel, I think you are reaching above your station with that holier than thou routine. Everyone has to make a living somehow.”
     “My husband and I have to make a living and you are going to get us jobs in London like you promised.”, said Courtney.
     Gladys took a swig of wine. “I wouldn’t get on your high horse, young lady. You are in no position to give orders to anybody.”
     A look of surprise wilted to an angry scowl on Courtney’s face. “Neither one of you had any intention of helping us, did you?” She looked at the rest of them. “This whole thing is a setup, isn’t it? You all pretend to be so concerned but none of you give a shit about Justin and me. We’re just entertainment to you!” The ship shuddered and dipped. The silverware on the table clattered. The crystal clinked.
     “Oh my God!”, whispered Sally. “I think there’s going to be a storm.”
     John leaned back in his chair and smiled. “What a show. What a glorious show.”
     Courtney shot an angry look at John. “Why did you insist on dressing me and my husband up? Why did he have to wear one of your Hawaiian shirts?”
     “Why do you think he insisted your husband wear one of his ‘colorful’ shirts?”, sniffed Gladys. “Misery loves company.”
     Dan raised his scotch in the air and looked around the table. His eyes settled on Gladys. “You’re bound and determined to skewer everyone at this table.”
     Buck looked up at the ceiling. “And away we go.”
     Nadine gasped. “Daniel! What a terrible thing to say and we’re having such a lovely lunch."
     Dan looked at Nadine. “Oh, can the crap, lady. Am I reaching above my station by having lunch with you? Am I reaching above my station listening to you brag about charging ten percent interest on a loan to a loyal employee so she can bury her father?” He turned back to Gladys.  “I can’t believe I actually sat at lunch and listened to you tell the world that the poor shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Every time one of you would say something so breathtakingly vulgar, I stopped myself from saying anything just to see how the other would top it.”
     “Daniel!”, exclaimed Lucia. “I won’t have you talking to my friends like that!”
     The gentle rocking that had sneaked up on the dining room was now at a full roll. Dan glared at Lucia. “And you, Medusa, the most dangerous Gorgon of all, blithely running your fingers through the pile of snakes on your head.”
     “Such pretty words from an unemployed bartender.”, snarled Lucia.
     “Stop it you two!”, pleaded Sally. “I’m not feeling well.”
     Dan slowly turned to Sally. “And here we have the bleeding-heart liberal with three homes. The perfect mouthpiece for the corporate whore in the White House, espousing his hollow magnanimity, blinding herself to his fascist agenda.”
     Lucia look was frigid. “The Fascist communist in the White House!”
     Nadine grabbed the table with both hands. “Fascist communist Bolshevic!”
     Gladys slammed her fist on the table. “Fascist communist Bolshevic Hottentot!”
     “Holy shit!”, gasped John.
     Dan stared at all three of them. “Fancy words dancing around the word you’re thinking but don’t dare say.”
     “Don’t be ridiculous.”, scoffed Gladys. “I don’t have any trouble at all saying the word ni-”
     “Stop it!” Sally threw her hands over her ears.
     “Heavens to Betsy!”, exclaimed Nadine. “What’s the big deal? Since when did it become a crime to state the fact that the White House is now home to a ni- ?”
     “I said stop it!!”, screeched Sally! “Words are weapons and that word causes terrible damage! Don’t you care the slightest for your fellow human beings?” She whirled around. “Bob!”, cried Sally. “Are you gong to just sit there and let these people talk like this to me? They’re trying to say the n-word!” She stood up. “Bob, it’s time for us to go.” The ship dropped suddenly. Sally threw her hand over her mouth. “I voted for President Obama because he offered me hope! I voted for President Obama because all I had was hope, hope and three reverse mortgages on three homes underwater!” Sally was turning vermillion. She glared at Courtney and Justin. “The banks may have you in their clutches but at least you have your youth! You can do anything! You can even run away! How would you feel if the world was closing in around you and all you had to look forward to was an early grave?” The ship suddenly climbed with a swell. Sally was lifted off her feet then almost knocked off them when the ship settled with a thump. Before she could catch her breath, the ship raced to the top of another swell then sank again. Sally grabbed her stomach and rushed out of the dining room.
     Courtney had lost all the color in her face. “Bob! You aren’t going to just sit there are you?”
     Bob rolled his eyes and stood up. He looked around the dining room. “Honey! Don’t get so upset. Every one just got carried away. Honey!” His shoulders sagged. He turned and followed Sally out of the dining room.
    Courtney spun around in her seat and took Justin’s arm. “Justin! These two old women aren’t going to do anything for us! We must call the UK now! I have to know if there is any chance for us there!”
     “Come on, sweet heart.”, sighed Justin. “We’re having lunch. We have the rest of the cruise to find out. Why spoil everything?”
     Courtney stood up. The ship lurched and she almost lost her balance. “I think everything is pretty well spoiled already! I have to find out!” She turned on her heels and rushed out.
     Nadine downed a glass of wine. “That young lady is certainly right! Lunch is spoiled thanks to you, Daniel! We have been nothing but kind to you and have accepted you with open arms and how do you repay us? With poisonous insults and disrespect. Come Gladys. Come Lucia. This man is beneath us.”
     The three of them stood and looked down at Dan with regal disdain. He glared at them. “My name is Dan, God damn it! Not Daniel, DAN!”
     Lucia began to whimper. Gladys and Nadine put their arms around her, gave Dan a final, hateful look and escorted her out. When the dining room doors closed behind them, he turned back to the table in a rage. Buck, Cesaria, Justin and John were staring at him.
     “Is any one seasick yet?”, asked Cesaria. She began to snicker. Buck snorted. Justin giggled and John guffawed.
     “What a magnificent performansh!”, crowed John. “Fascist communist Bolshevic Hottentot? Oh my God! I think we should have another round!” The waiter returned to the table and began clearing the dishes. “Some of us have begun to feel the weather. The rest of us need something to fortify us. Let’s see. Metaxa sounds about right. Will everone join me? No objections? Fabulous.”
     The dining room was emptying fast. The drinks arrived quickly. The waiter was pale. Buck touched his snifter to Dan's “You done it now, Dan. That redhead won’t be putting out for you for a while especially with them two buzzard’s claws in her.”
     Dan needed some self-confidence. He swallowed a mouth full of Metaxa. “We’ll make up sooner than later. God knows where. Maybe in a public toilet or the back of the ships pantry.”
     “I beg your pardon?”, asked Justin as he took a swig and coughed.
     “Don’t tell me you’re one of those perverted couples who like to do it in public places.”, asked John.
     “Come on fellas.”, said Buck. “There’s a lady present.”
     “It just happened.”, Dan admitted.
     “It did?”, pushed John. “Where?”
      Dan sighed. “A broom closet, a lifeboat.”
     The ship was in full sway. They had to keep hold of their snifters. “Gentlemen.”, said Cesaria. “The weather doesn’t usually affect me but this afternoon, coupled with the direction of this conversation, it just might. Will you excuse me?” Everyone stood. A waiter approached to help her through the dining room but she waived him off.
     The four of them sat down. John looked around then pressed close to Dan. “A lifeboat? A lifeboat? You’ve got to be kidding me. And I thought we were over the top. You straights are wicked!”
     “Ain’t no difference between the two, pal.”, chuckled Buck. “Fuckin's fuckin’.”
     Justin leaned close to Buck. “Did you ever do it in a public place?”
     Buck took a swig of Metaxa. “Sure, kid.”
     Justin caught his breath. “Where? With who?”
     “It don’t matter, son. Every one’s done it. Don’t tell me you ain’t.”  
     “Courtney would never do that.”, whispered Justin. “She’s very, very -”
     “Vanilla?”, asked John.
     Justin took another gulp. “I think guys should be able to do it whenever and whereever they want. Don’t you, Buck?”
     John was swirling his brandy in his snifter. “Careful, kid. You’re about to jump in without your water wings.”
     Justin turned to John with an irritated look on his face. “Look, what would you know about any of this? This is two dudes talking about babes.”
     A devilish smile lit up John’s face. “No, this is about one dude hitting on another.”
     Justin looked like he’d been slapped. “What the hell are you insinuating?”
     John rolled his eyes. “I’m not insinuating anything. Hell, I don’t blame you. I think this East Texas daddy is hot too. Who wouldn’t?  But I’d be barking up the wrong tree. He’s straight. It ain’t never gonna happen.”
     Justin was red. “That’s not an East Texas accent!”  Small bubbles had appeared in the corners of his mouth. “Barking up the wrong tree? What isn’t ever going to happen? What are you talking about?”
     Buck sighed and patted Justin on the shoulder. “Look, kid. It don’t matter. I’m flattered. Hell, you're a good lookin’ kid. It’s just that I don’t -”
     Justin shot to his feet. His chair fell to the floor behind him. The ship jumped. “Oh my God! No! You’ve got the wrong - you can’t think that I - Where’s my wife? Courtney was so upset and I just let her go! I have to find her! I’m such an ass!” He looked wildly around the room then back to the table. “I have to go!”, and he was gone.
     John smiled. “My work here is done.”
     “The poor kid’s a mess.”, sighed Buck.
     The ship lurched and dipped. Dan finished his Metaxa and looked around the room for a waiter. It was empty. “My God. I think everyone’s sick.”
     “Including me.”, moaned John. “It just hit me.”
     Dan turned around to look at him. He was turning green. “You look bad, John. You better get to your cabin while you still can.”
     As John staggered out, Dan turned to Buck. “It looks like it’s just you and me, kid. Shall we retire to the bar?”
     Buck smiled and finished his drink. “Sure, kid.”